Custom Search
Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts
Friday, August 5, 2011
Rain Dance!
I am in a severe struggle right now. The struggle between trying to keep my sense of humor and curling in a ball and crying from the pain. I just finished a run of steroids to help get the severe headaches I have been dealing with under control. Well, it did not really work, I am still having the headache. Now add in, some severe and overbearing pain in the rest of my body, and you will have how my week has been. I feel like I have been neglecting almost everything. But in all actuality, no matter what I do, it hurts. Sitting, standing, laying, typing, watching tv, cooking, walking, all of it results in some sort of pain, or is painful in some way. So I have avoided adding anything to my blog, typing is painful, but also the screen on the computer is to bright, adding to the headache. Watching tv is ok for a few minutes but then it starts to hurt my eyes, then the volume begins to annoy me and all adds to the headache. Both of these require you to either sit or lay. I can do both for just a few minutes before the pain, more like severe burning/stabbing pain begins in my hip area. I also have the same burning pain in my arms and legs all the time. This pain I am feeling is normal for me, but nothing this severe. I deal with all of this on a regular basis, to a lesser extent, but for some reason, either right now I am just much more susceptible to the pain, or it is just so much worse. I do know, that when there is a change in the barometric pressure or weather patterns my pain gets 300 times worse. The weathermen, which we all know we just can not trust, have told us that it should storm or rain every day this week. So far, no rain. I am thinking maybe this is the reason why my pain levels are so out of whack. The only problem I see, is beyond the fact that it really needs to rain, it has been really nice outside. Of course, I know you are asking, how would you know? Well, it would be from my wonderful family telling me how nice it is outside, while I am barely able to walk my butt to the bathroom! Sometimes they don't really think. So it is so awesome that is is beautiful out, and it would be awesome time to be over at the beach, not to hot, but no, I am stuck, getting my suntan from the inside since I am on fire from inside. I think mother nature is now screwing with me. Is it because I asked her to cool it down a bit and it is summer when it is supposed to be hot, or is it just my imagination? I am at the point where cutting off all my appendages including my head, would possibly lower my pain levels, but so would, hopefully an amazingly strong thunderstorm. Which would be easier, and probably a bit cleaner for me, the thunderstorm. So the only question left is who is available to perform the Rain Dance, because I am not sure I can do it myself, but I would be happy to give it a try. I am sure someone would at least get a good laugh out of it in the end!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Ten on Tuesday!!!! 8-2-2011 Back to School
I am once again running to the end of the day. It is 11:32 pm and I am honestly feeling like crap and have no idea what I want to do for my ten on Tuesday, but I hate not getting it done. So as I sit here and type and ramble to try and figure out what to do, I ask myself what things can I write about? What lists or what groupings of things will make sense? Honestly, my brain is not functioning and my head is hurting so bad, I can't even begin to get my head around anything. But it hits me..... It is back to school time, and what makes this time of year so hard on people with chronic pain diseases, well let me tell you-----
1. Clothes Shopping- This is a disaster. I am not sure how it is for you, but I have a teenage boy, who hates to shop, especially with mom. So the stress of fighting to get him out, then finding stuff he likes, I can afford, and then getting it, well lets just say, by the time I am done, I am beyond exhausted
2. Sports- Yes, it is that time again, the crazy school sports schedules. Sports camp starts before school even begins. Football camp starts at 7 am, and of course we have to provide our own transportation, and my husband of course has to be at work at 6 am. Ya, so the insomnia that keeps me up til 4 or 5 am and then I have to be out by 6:20 or 6:30 to make sure my son arrives on time, then of course the pick up which I am still not sure what time that is. Ya, this should be good.
3. Money- Finding the money, money for the clothes shopping, the sports equipment, the physicals, the school supplies and god knows what ever else they decide we need to pay for now. Working on a close budget, that is one of the hardest and most stressful things for me. Added stress, added pain as we all know. Worse of all, It may come down to choosing between money for sports and money for my own meds, and of course the sports will be priority. My kids will not go without!
4. The List- We all know the list..... the list sent home from the school, if you are lucky, mailed prior to the beginning of school, but often sent home the first day of school, with all the supplies needed or requested by the teachers for the child or children to have for each class. Always specific items and nothing else will do. And of course then you have to hope and pray you get to it before the store is sold out.
5.The Routine- Getting everyone back onto a regular schedule, and out of the relaxation of summer. It will no longer be the days of when it happens it happens. Bedtime is bedtime, dinnertime is dinnertime, homework must be done, showers need done, you must wake up with the alarm and catch the school bus or walk to school and be there on time. Summer is when you can sleep til you wake, slowly fall asleep when you are tired, eat when it is done. Those days will have to wait again until next year, rigid time constraints will take their place. So now, when you feel like crap, you can't say, it can wait a few minutes, because it can not, there is a schedule that needs followed.
6. The Struggle- The struggle to shove all the last minute fun stuff into the few fading weeks of summer. The days at the park, pool or beach. The last minute vacation to see family or friends. The water park, the mini golf tournament you promised, the movies, or what ever fun family thing you always did that you have not yet completed for this summer.
7. The Closet- Yes, we all know it has to be done, and we all dread it. But seriously, if you don't clean out the closet, you won't be able to put the new clothes in, nor will you know what you have that still fits. The summer stuff that can still be worn. Of course, this will be a battle, and entering a child's room, especially a teen's room, could be in it's own right dangerous to your health, (lol), but it should be done, it will save your sanity, and hopefully a few dollar in the end.
8. The Company- I have to say back to school it bittersweet for me. I believe it is the same for many parents. Being an at home mom, especially one with limited abilities due to chronic illness, having someone home with me all the time is pretty nice. Yes, he is a 15 year old boy, he is often hiding in his teen cave aka bedroom, but if I need him or he is bored, we hang out. We do stuff together when I can. When he is back at school, I am all alone in my house. If I am in a totally incapacitated state, which happens often, I am stuck in my room with no human contact and I know he won't be popping in. I love that he is back with his friends, he is active again, but I will miss the company.
9. Early Mornings- I don't know about others, but I am horrible in the morning. Since I sleep like crap most nights don't fall asleep until the wee early hours of the morning, waking up at them is horrendous. Also, on the amount of meds I take, once I sleep, waking up, is horrible. I feel really drugged and not safe waking up and dealing with mornings. I hate that my son has to get up on his own and get ready, I know he is 15, I understand he is old enough and needs to be responsible, but he is my baby, and it eats at me. How do mom's with little one's deal with this?
10. The Yes I will Syndrome- and so it begins. The torture of the fact that I love to help, even when my body says there is no way in hell that I can. Yes I will help with the fundraiser, yes I will help at the football concession stand, yes I will make something for the bake sale. See, I have never ever been able to say no. I hate doing it. I know, physically I can not do the stuff I say I will. 5 years ago, I could, of course I was slowing down even then. 10 years ago, I was running the PTO, the soccer club, a basketball mom, helping with multiple fire company fundraisers, and bake sales, and I was also on the March for Dimes Committee for the Walk for Babies for the city I lived in and handled the food at the end of the walk for multiple years for over 1000 walkers. Can I do that now. Only if I wanted to be in bed for weeks afterward. See, I have to learn how to say no, but how. I want to help, and I want to be able to do it in the capacity I used to be able to. But I can't . The Yes Syndrome is the hardest for me. I have to learn to tell them what I can do, within my limits. It is the only way.
So the start of the school year, the end of summer is very hard on me, and I believe on all the other people with chronic pain, or chronic illness. I find it very hard to deal with, since I am a fighter. the only issue is I fought so long, that I am in severe pain all the time now. I fought against the pain, pushed myself no matter what pain I had, that my body was shutting down to the point I would pass out. I had for so long pushed the pain away, or fought it, the pain was so bad, my body was doing what it had to did to kill the pain. What it did was shut down and I would pass out. Now, I am not passing out as much, but I am feeling the pain. who knows. All I know, is once we get through back to school, all we will have to worry about is that wonderful time of year , CHRISTMAS!!!!! GOOD LUCK!
1. Clothes Shopping- This is a disaster. I am not sure how it is for you, but I have a teenage boy, who hates to shop, especially with mom. So the stress of fighting to get him out, then finding stuff he likes, I can afford, and then getting it, well lets just say, by the time I am done, I am beyond exhausted
2. Sports- Yes, it is that time again, the crazy school sports schedules. Sports camp starts before school even begins. Football camp starts at 7 am, and of course we have to provide our own transportation, and my husband of course has to be at work at 6 am. Ya, so the insomnia that keeps me up til 4 or 5 am and then I have to be out by 6:20 or 6:30 to make sure my son arrives on time, then of course the pick up which I am still not sure what time that is. Ya, this should be good.
3. Money- Finding the money, money for the clothes shopping, the sports equipment, the physicals, the school supplies and god knows what ever else they decide we need to pay for now. Working on a close budget, that is one of the hardest and most stressful things for me. Added stress, added pain as we all know. Worse of all, It may come down to choosing between money for sports and money for my own meds, and of course the sports will be priority. My kids will not go without!
4. The List- We all know the list..... the list sent home from the school, if you are lucky, mailed prior to the beginning of school, but often sent home the first day of school, with all the supplies needed or requested by the teachers for the child or children to have for each class. Always specific items and nothing else will do. And of course then you have to hope and pray you get to it before the store is sold out.
5.The Routine- Getting everyone back onto a regular schedule, and out of the relaxation of summer. It will no longer be the days of when it happens it happens. Bedtime is bedtime, dinnertime is dinnertime, homework must be done, showers need done, you must wake up with the alarm and catch the school bus or walk to school and be there on time. Summer is when you can sleep til you wake, slowly fall asleep when you are tired, eat when it is done. Those days will have to wait again until next year, rigid time constraints will take their place. So now, when you feel like crap, you can't say, it can wait a few minutes, because it can not, there is a schedule that needs followed.
6. The Struggle- The struggle to shove all the last minute fun stuff into the few fading weeks of summer. The days at the park, pool or beach. The last minute vacation to see family or friends. The water park, the mini golf tournament you promised, the movies, or what ever fun family thing you always did that you have not yet completed for this summer.
7. The Closet- Yes, we all know it has to be done, and we all dread it. But seriously, if you don't clean out the closet, you won't be able to put the new clothes in, nor will you know what you have that still fits. The summer stuff that can still be worn. Of course, this will be a battle, and entering a child's room, especially a teen's room, could be in it's own right dangerous to your health, (lol), but it should be done, it will save your sanity, and hopefully a few dollar in the end.
8. The Company- I have to say back to school it bittersweet for me. I believe it is the same for many parents. Being an at home mom, especially one with limited abilities due to chronic illness, having someone home with me all the time is pretty nice. Yes, he is a 15 year old boy, he is often hiding in his teen cave aka bedroom, but if I need him or he is bored, we hang out. We do stuff together when I can. When he is back at school, I am all alone in my house. If I am in a totally incapacitated state, which happens often, I am stuck in my room with no human contact and I know he won't be popping in. I love that he is back with his friends, he is active again, but I will miss the company.
9. Early Mornings- I don't know about others, but I am horrible in the morning. Since I sleep like crap most nights don't fall asleep until the wee early hours of the morning, waking up at them is horrendous. Also, on the amount of meds I take, once I sleep, waking up, is horrible. I feel really drugged and not safe waking up and dealing with mornings. I hate that my son has to get up on his own and get ready, I know he is 15, I understand he is old enough and needs to be responsible, but he is my baby, and it eats at me. How do mom's with little one's deal with this?
10. The Yes I will Syndrome- and so it begins. The torture of the fact that I love to help, even when my body says there is no way in hell that I can. Yes I will help with the fundraiser, yes I will help at the football concession stand, yes I will make something for the bake sale. See, I have never ever been able to say no. I hate doing it. I know, physically I can not do the stuff I say I will. 5 years ago, I could, of course I was slowing down even then. 10 years ago, I was running the PTO, the soccer club, a basketball mom, helping with multiple fire company fundraisers, and bake sales, and I was also on the March for Dimes Committee for the Walk for Babies for the city I lived in and handled the food at the end of the walk for multiple years for over 1000 walkers. Can I do that now. Only if I wanted to be in bed for weeks afterward. See, I have to learn how to say no, but how. I want to help, and I want to be able to do it in the capacity I used to be able to. But I can't . The Yes Syndrome is the hardest for me. I have to learn to tell them what I can do, within my limits. It is the only way.
So the start of the school year, the end of summer is very hard on me, and I believe on all the other people with chronic pain, or chronic illness. I find it very hard to deal with, since I am a fighter. the only issue is I fought so long, that I am in severe pain all the time now. I fought against the pain, pushed myself no matter what pain I had, that my body was shutting down to the point I would pass out. I had for so long pushed the pain away, or fought it, the pain was so bad, my body was doing what it had to did to kill the pain. What it did was shut down and I would pass out. Now, I am not passing out as much, but I am feeling the pain. who knows. All I know, is once we get through back to school, all we will have to worry about is that wonderful time of year , CHRISTMAS!!!!! GOOD LUCK!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)