I GIVE UP!!!!

I have given it the old college try, or at least what I would assume it is from all explanations I have heard.  The nortriptyline is just not working for me.  I did not want to think from the beginning this was a bad idea so I set out to give it my best.  I started taking it, but in the mean time I had to ween myself off of my cymbalta.  From the beginning I was having some strange side effects.  The first and worst of all I was getting motion sick.  I was having the worst time.   I never had a problem with driving or being in a car and within a couple of days to a week I had a horrible time with the motion sickness.  I could not drive even a couple blocks without feeling nauseated, dizzy, and a bit of blurred vision.  I had to travel up to my hometown, which is 3 hours away, for a funeral and was not sure how I would make it.  Thank goodness my husband drove and for the most point I kept my eyes closed or attempted to do anything to keep my mind of of the feeling that I was going to vomit.  I was never so happy to get out of the car when I got to the destination.  The ride home, was much worse.  I ended up in the back seat of my van, praying that I could keep dinner down.  I finally, for the first time in my entire life, fell asleep in the car.  I am not a car sleeper, I have to be in control and with that sleeping does not allow me to know where I am or what is going on so even as a small child, I never slept in the car.  This time however, I believe God took pity on me and just let me fall asleep.  I kept pushing through, believing that it was very possible that since I was taking the new medicine and still weening from the old one that my body just could not handle that much of the similar medicine and once I no longer was taking the old medicine, I would feel better.  Well, I was wrong.  The car sickness, motion sickness is still there, as strong as ever, and if I am tired, it is three times as bad.  Now lets add the new agitated state and short temper that has crept up.  We all know that we have good times and bad times.  Some times the frustration of constant pain can lead a person to be a bit short tempered or bitchy as my husband would call it.  I have to tell you, I can be quite the queen of bitchiness when I want to be.  With that said, not even really knowing it was happening, I was jumping at people, complaining about every little thing and just being down right impossible to deal with.  I was anxious, every little thing would set me off into tears and suicidal thoughts have occurred.  I am extremely thankful for my training from my job as a 911 operator and my ability to step back and take a look.  Nothing is ever bad enough for you to do that, but that does not mean with all that we go through daily and then you add all this on top of it, that you feel you just can't continue and maybe instead of dealing with this, just not dealing anymore would be easy.  Well, ya, easy, I guess, selfish, unfair, uncaring, are more like it.  If I get in that area, I can recall many people I helped through the other side of it.  The ones that had to deal with the aftermath of a loved one's suicide and I will tell you, I just won't ever do it to my family or friends.  So when I got to this point, I knew something was going on.  I have dealt with 14 suicides of friends in the last couple of years.  These people were not just acquaintances, I am talking I knew the whole family and they were part of my daily life.  The pain of that is deep and unrelenting.  You look at suicide in a whole new way when you have to deal with something like this.  On a side note,  If you ever get into that situation and don't know how to pull yourself out of it, pick up the phone,  dial 911, they will help and they will not judge you, or call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/?gclid=CNGZtZK1xqkCFYtV7AodnjQokw  Both are available 24/7 and will be able to help you, get you in contact with the assistance you need, and let you talk until you feel safe to keep control.  Remember you are not alone.  We are all here, we each deal with things, some the same some different, but we want to support each other.  Let's do that.  Now, the final thing, I am getting dizzy while standing.  If you read the previous entry here on my blog, you will know that I went shopping  and during my trip, I had to sit down right in the middle of the store in the middle of the aisle and just stop.  I felt flush, my hands went ice cold and heavy, I started sweating and thought sit down or pass out.  I try and joke about it.  I said to a friend I would rather sit down and get a few strange looks, then pass out and wake up to a bunch of strangers looking.  But I can't not live like this.  I feel like this medicine has control of me and I don't have control with the medicine.  So tomorrow it is time for me to start this whole crazy mess over again.  I would love to go back on my cymbalta, maybe a higher dose, since for the most part I think it worked until I got used to it and then the dose was not enough.  The issue, it is not a covered formulary for my insurance company and I can not afford the $160 a month out of pocket for the med.  So we have to play the game with the insurance company and try all the meds they think should be better before they will approve to pay for the one we know does something.  It sucks that they have that control.  I think they should have to deal with what I do daily for a week or so, without the proper meds then tell me what is ok.  Maybe they would understand they really should just let us take the medicine that helps even if it costs extra.  I won't give up though.  Maybe another med will help.  I just pray that it won't cause any side effects, react with the whole pharmacy of other medications I already take, and that I can afford it, since we make just over the amount of money to get any sorta help from the pharmaceutical company's discount programs, or other programs, but our insurance is not great in any sense of the word and has a huge deductible that needs to be met before we even get any coverage.  I mean I am thankful I have insurance, I know people are worse off than me.  I guess sometimes I just simply wish for a break and that I could just be back to the old me.  But since that will not happen, guinea pig time here I come again.  WISH ME LUCK and I will keep you posted.

So as it stands

it is a no for NORTRIPTYLINE!!!!!!!

Motion Sickness

So for the first time, today as I was driving to get my stuff done, I had the worst case of car sickness.  I have never been one of those care people.  I don't mind being in a car, but I am not a person that likes having to drive an extended length and where I live now, nothing is close so I find myself having to do just that.  So as I drive today, a small wave of nausea hits me.  I am at this point only in my car for about 10 minutes.  I have nothing done yet, and my son is at school and I have to pick him up.  So like with everything else, I trudge on hoping it was just a freak incident and it will go away.  I get to the school and just try and relax.  I closed my eyes and waited for my son.  The moment I started to drive it started again.  I grabbed a piece of gum and prayed it would help.  Lets just say, prayer was probably the only thing that saved me today.  The nausea was so incredibly horrible, and the further i went, the worse it got.  I have to tell you I am not liking it at all.  I hope it is just my body adjusting to the new medicine and a passing side effect.  It takes 15 minutes to get to my son's school.  It takes 10 minutes to get to the grocery store.  It is at least 25 minutes to get to the closest Walmart/Kmart type store and about the same to the closest shopping area/mall.  I do not have an option other than online shopping and I don't see that as an choice to get everyday items.  I will be a total disaster if driving becomes extremely difficult for me, or makes me feel ill.  I am stuck in the house often enough, when I am able to, I do not want to have something like motion sickness holding me back.  I guess it could be worse.  I could have actually vomited and have to deal with that.  I had to get my meds and get my son to the doctors.  The reality is my husband has to work, no matter how bad I feel some days I still have to do stuff.  So here is hoping I don't have to deal with this on long term, but if for some  reason I do, I am going to be prepared and learn to deal with it, just like everything else.  Have a great day and I pray each day you have less pain.