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Saturday, May 14, 2011

Not a good day, so what matters?

So feeling a might bit crappy today. I wish It could figure it all out. Possibly from new meds, weather changes, storms coming, who knows. I really wish I could just wake up like everyone else, and go along with my day like everyone else. Is this truly to much to ask. Apparently it is, at least on most days. Today I feel extremely tired, even though I slept almost 16 hours. My arms are so sore it hurts to even raise them, and I am very nauseated. My husband had the day off today and I totally missed spending time with him. Tomorrow he goes back to work, and the week starts again like it always does. The only question, will this be a good week or a bad week. I am checking up on all my friends and family on facebook, which I do often since I now live more than 150 miles from them. I find out that one of them is losing her grandmother, two have their daughters heading to the prom and a whole group of them lost a very dear friend in a car accident at the age of 23. There is so much happening, they complain about work, talk about what they are going to do today or tomorrow, about the weather, and everything under the sun. I write back, tell them what I am doing, one step at a time, one hour at a time. I can not tell them what I am doing later today, or tomorrow. All that will have to wait. My posts all consist of what has been done. I make no promises of what lies ahead because I have to see what I will be capable of doing at that point. Believe me, if any of my friends needed me, the one losing her grandma, the friends dealing with the death of a young man, I would push myself to the point of detriment to myself to be their for them. This is who I am and how I will be til the day I die. I have and always been that way. I have over the last 2 years dealt with not only my condition but with the suicide of 16 close friends and coworkers. Each of these times, pushing myself over the brink of pure exhaustion and into severe flares but this is reality. There are times when you will need to do this. Of course this is something that you will need to choose for yourself. I do not think it is a good idea, I would actually advise against putting yourself into this situation. Sometimes it is impossible to just give in and lay down to the fatigue and pain. On occasion I guess you have to choose what is more important to you. I guess I always choose my family and friends. At some point in my life I will need them and when they need me I will be there, pushing through the pain, smiling over the hurt, and if that means giving up a week or so of my life afterwards, I will do it. Yes, some of those people will not be there for you, they won't understand, alot of people won't give up their time for others, but I do. This is me. I have a few amazing friends. I have a group of great friends, and I have some good friends. This is how it is for everything. If you count on everything being amazing, you will be let down. I make sure I am amazing or as amazing as I can be for everyone. I am sure I let people down, but I do it easy. Working at being a good friend makes it easier when I can't be there. I let them know I am a phone call away, no matter what. But I do make it a point, at the times when it matters the most I standing beside them even if it means I won't be standing for the next week. So does it matter today is not a good day, does it matter that I am not sure why. Well it does to me, and I am sure it will to you to. But the big picture is, what really matters is that you always do all you can and not beat yourself up when you can't. Remember that you are human, and not everyone, actually few people will return the favor. I myself have taken a long time to realize this, but would not feel like myself if I did not push myself to be the amazing person for others. Concentrate on your health, it is the most important thing in your life right now, but being there for friends is going to keep your sanity, especially when you are stuck in a rut of pain and just need them to concentrate on you. I am sure this post is all over the place, I just wrote as it came. I miss my friends and family and old life, I am sad, everything is making me cry today, but what matters is what I said. What matters is you being a true friend and honest with yourself if that is what you want in return. Here is hoping that tomorrow is a much better day. A little less pain for everyone, the sun is shining and a bit of good news. Take care and please feel free to comment. We will only ever learn from each other if that happens. Gentle Hugs!

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